Monday, May 12, 2008

Speed Racer/Erick the mildly autistic gay dishwasher Reviewed

With Bound and The Matrix, the Wachowski brothers established themselves as innovative auters in the medium of film. With Speed Racer, they are just being dicks about it.
Apparently aiming to turn the childhood sensation of spinning around 100 times into something marketable, Speed Racer induced many yawns between me and my date and only deserves commendation for inspiring the weirdest fucking interactions with a coworker I can recall. Let me take you back to an innocent pre-Speed Racer era known as last Thursday.

Erick (the middle aged gay dishwasher at Pizza Hut who might have a touch of the Aspergers syndrome.) : Hey, did you hear about that movie that looks like Tron?

Yes! that's the most apt thing that can be said about Speed Racer, it's a movie that sort of looks like Tron, although it's actually much worse than that. Much like the latter Matrix films, the Wachowski's seem to still make good movies but lose them in editing as their egos will not sacrifice a single beloved shot. They've said the Matrix was the result of just using every idea they ever had in one film and, because they keep repeating this approach, the rules of the sophomore slump still haunt their senior feature.
Anyway, back to Erick.
I told Erick that I was going to quote him when I saw and reviewed Speed Racer but I think I would rather review the rest of our interaction. Upon learning I had a website, he suggested that I install a live web cam at either gay night club Styx or Deering Oaks park, which I suppose he thinks is a latenight hotspot for gay men. A half hour later, Erick was still keen on the subject, suggesting I write and shoot a gay porn. I should mention that Erick probably utters less than fifty words to anyone nightly, so these aren't the offerings of a natural extrovert, this is what he is saving his voice for. By the end of the night he was describing me a plot line for a character driven (gay) film he had been apparently been conceiving of for a while

"So there's this young guy, he moves to Portland from Skowhegan, he doesn't know anybody so he gets a job as a Barista...."

Since Erick is a dishwasher and I am a waiter, I have the gift of mobility while he is bound to a station. By which I mean, I can walk away when he creeps me out, the way people are always doing to me. So I never heard the graphic details of his proposed Gay boy from Skowhegan film and yet, almost 24 hours later, Erick had not missed a beat in his string of gay cinematic ambitions. He must have been up all night writing down new ideas to spring on me upon my return to tha Hut, and yet, I was not sold. I here by vow that this page will never be a forum for gay pornography, just overwrought reviews of stuff. So thank you Speed Racer (which I kind of liked but wish didn't exist because I am offended by its pomp and excess) you "look like Tron" and inspired the weirdest series of Gay ideas I have ever heard from a mildly autistic dishwasher.

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