It's been a while since I gave up on this thing. My prediction that the internet was about to go under was only partially right, and I figured I would cut my losses early.
That being said, lets blog some shit up again. I'm still a waiter at an unnamed corporate chain restaurant and think more of simply jumping a boxcar everyday. Barring that, I could just find a job that isn't essentially the peddling of C grade cheese.
Problem is, my highly unprofessional attitude and alcohol addled brain can't quite get it together to self myself in any useful way. I spent a lot of time in the woods this week and came up with this, 100% true to myself, cover letter. Anybody reading this?
Dear Hiring person,
I am writing to apply for the position of XXXXX. XXXX is a fast moving company and an outstanding communications pioneer, now poised to redefine the current format of, I'm just fucking with you, I don't know what your company does.

As a recent graduate from the University of Southern Maine, I bring a strong understanding of media dynamics, public relations, and organizational skills to know you on your ass. All this combined with my bad boy with a heart of gold persona makes me a perfect fit to aid you in the overthrow of the current regime.

As a waiter at an unnamed corporate franchise, I endure my own personal hell daily and would lick your boots for a shot at doing anything else. And I mean anything.

This desperation, combined with a spacey and theoretically based understanding of media, put me in a prime disposition to rock your socks off and throw a lot of shit in the air for you to sort out when it lands.
What I am applying for.
Please note that this has all been very clear and concise.