Pardon me, I just need to begin typing now, I hope it isn’t a problem. The task I have lent myself is to imagine what a movie starring Minnie Driver, Ice Cube, and Roy Scheider would be like. This film will, of course, never come to fruition as Mr. Scheider passed away earlier this year and the other two actors would simply be too explosive on screen together in a way that would endanger the film stock. But what would such a movie be like? Man will ask this question for centuries, that is unless I can answer it tonight, here, alone at three in the morning, to save the world from endless conjecture and frustration.
Lets say that Mr. Schneider is the CEO of a company that produces the type of cheap liquor you see homeless people drinking because of its enhanced high gravity alcohol content and cost effective pricing. Why, I saw a homeless man just today hiding a can of the immensely popular Steel Reserve under his winter coat and he reclined on the front steps of an apartment building I imagine he fantasizes about living in. There was something very sexy about his devil may care attitude, his disdain for traditional summer clothing and beard cleaning rituals. This of course has nothing to do with Mr Scheider role in the movie, its is simply a meditation on the roll that cheap malt liquor plays in all of our lives.
Roy Schieder’s character is plagued with hate mail from groups who feel that his brand unfairly targets the economically deprived, aggravating the problems of the impoverished by allowing them a more highly alcoholic beverage at a greater quantity. But get this, Mr Scheider’s character agrees with them, he is simply too shy to confront his board of directors on the matter. Please, bask in the irony that he is as broken a man as the people who's lives his product ruins.
Enter Ice Cube, the wisecracking cabby who becomes an unintentional community activist after a rant of his ends up on television in what was intended as a puff piece to promote a completely ineffective community outreach program. Journalist Minnie Driver loses her job for refusing to go with that human interest story but becomes Ice Cubes new best friend, well, not his best friend, but she certainly enhances his role as a community activist in a way that moves forward the plot.
Needless to say, this is a ripping satire and the companies that produce cheap malt liquor will surely be quaking in their respective boots when they see the inevitable confrontation between the Ice Cube and Roy Scheider's respective characters. Not that they will ever see that since this is purely hypothetical. Fill in the gaps for yourself, but I think we can all rest easier now that I have cleared up what a movie starring Ice Cube, Minnie Driver, and Roy Scheider would have been like. It would have been called Sloshed or something, because Ice Cube’s character would have been called John Slosh (A Name that is very popular in the black community, John I mean) and the mayhem he wreaks on the CEO’s life would have made the supporting players say things like “You got sloshed, baby!”
Did I mention I used to drink a lot of Steel Reserve and the like? I stopped because I realized it isn’t meant to be consumed in doors.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
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Note: Did you know the creator of Mad Men wrote the pilot as a way of exorcising his feelings toward the cigarette industry? I wrote this entry during an extended stretch of sobriety, clearly exorcising my beef with cheap malt liquors. That 2 month stretch may have been a joe and a half, but since then I have kept it at least as classy as Colt 45.
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